The fatigue means that days are merging into a featureless, colourless mass, indistinguishable from each other. I often forget which day it is!
The second descent to the depths. If anything it is even worse than last time. There is no reason or logic down in these depths and death presents itself as just another option. In my despair I strike out verbally at Lesley. Once again, however a tiny shelter appears in the blackness. Again it says ‘this just an event, tomorrow there will be other events’.
We are often told that depression is far worse than the common conception and the word is often misused to describe a sad, weary or simply pissed off feeling. If I have briefly experienced that place where sufferers of depression regularly reach then their lives must be unimaginable. At least I have the chance to escape once bodily fitness and strength start to return.
Later that evening I am collapsed on my bed and realise that I am free from aching and discomfort. This another event. Something to hang on to.