Day 9

I wake bathed in sweat. But I feel easier and urinating is less painful. Today, however, this continues throughout the day. The antibiotics!

At work I receive a message from a colleague saying that she is passing the location of my blog on to a friend living with cancer. Another positive outcome of my blog. Maybe something on here will resonate. I do hope so.

It occurs to me that as people find out about the cancer there are 3 types of responses. The first is simply to offer sympathy then move on.  It is not an issue for them and I hear no more. I totally understand this; life is busy and why should they particularly care. The second type is slightly annoying and time is wasted. These are the people who appear to care but are clearly having problems dealing with the information. The usually inquire further, make admissions of care and sympathy. But! In the end they start telling what I should think and how to behave – ‘you must stay positive’, ‘you must carry on as normal so as not to think about things’, etc. In Eric Berne’s Transactional Analysis (TA) terms their part is either child or parental but ultimately not the longed for adult (check out the book, I’m OK You’re OK). My guess is that they are projecting their own fear on to me and the advice is really a rehearsal for their own life. Besides, you can start beating yourself up for thinking negative thoughts which often arise, that can’t be healthy. A double whammy!! Much better to simply let them go.  I start to reduce communication with these people.  They extract life. The third type are the ones I rely on, the gems, the true supporters. They don’t tell me what to think but instead engage with me and make suggestions, propose ideas and ways of thinking. That I value their support is evidenced by the fact that they appear (often not by name) in my blog! But I hope I am giving something back to them that the flow of life is two-way. A real Berne TA adult-adult transaction. Bingo! My guess? Friends reading this blog are type 3.

I send a thank you message In response to yesterday’s flowers. I say that the senders kindness has reinforced my determination to get over the cancer and work harder for a better society.  I send the email and realise that this is not strictly true. Like the Hokusai Kanagawa sailors I can only move forward in the moment.  This blog is an invaluable help in making me centre on the day at hand.

At home and I feel drained again. This time it may be the heat; upwards of 25c and I start to suffer. Why I always preferred cool countries for holidays, Norway and Austria are favourites.

My brother calls to wish me luck for tomorrow. At the end of the day my thoughts, unpleasant thoughts, keep straying back to the scan. An imaginary oriental finger wags in my direction. What happens tomorrow, happens tomorrow.

Yet again the night is broiling but yet again I sleep very well against all expectations.