Today is Day 1. This means yesterday was Day 0. Tomorrow is Day 2. Day 0 was the lost day.
Let me explain.
Back to Day 0. Day 0 was the day I went to a local hospital and had some tests carried out. At the end of those tests came the shattering news – I had bladder cancer. Day 0 was a day of many odd occurrences – in fact I nearly titled my blog ..and another odd thing.
The last of the tests was an endoscopy. The Doctor asked how I was feeling. I said I was scared. Then the procedure was performed and he said I had bladder cancer. Now here is the odd thing. I immediately felt nothing, blank, devoid of emotion. The thing that had most scared me had left me an emotional cabbage.
I was then helped away to get changed and start the process of treatment. I was offered a cup of tea. I replied ‘yes, please’. This is the most British of things!! A cup of tea after devastating news!! No matter what happens, a cup of tea solves it. Along with the beloved NHS the attitude towards tea is one of the things I cherish about Britain. Forget the Royals or football(Rugby in my case) or Waterloo – its a CUP OF TEA!!
I drove home, slowly, mechanically. I made it safely. Lesley was not at home so I simply sat in various seats in the lounge, still a blank. I sat there for 4 hours. Thoughts came and went and seemingly left little trace. Lesley returned and I broke the news. Two blank people, now!
Something practical. I needed a prescription filled. I went to the chemist and was told there was a 10 min wait. Now the second odd thing. I nipped down to Coral’s and placed a bet on Uruguay to win the World Cup at 25/1. I am not a football fan (nor a gambler)but I like to try my luck against the bookies in a competition. In amongst all this psychological carnage I coolly calculated the percentages!! I had a lovely chat with the young woman behind the counter and felt better.
I wake early, about 5:50am. But this is not really unusual for me with a warm sunny morning.
Today, another odd thing. It was something I actually started to sense yesterday evening. A need to be surrounded by creativity, music, literature and so on. Although I play improvised and experimental music and love everything from renaissance to punk, in times of strife I turn to Bach. Good ‘ol J.S. So Bach it is. If you believe that logic and beauty are separate, that rationality and the sublime don’t mix then you do not understand the man. But it has to be properly played of course.
I needed to tell my boss as things will change drastically. He was wonderful, supportive and promising to allow me to work whatever patterns I need. I am surrounded by caring and understanding people. I am lucky. In many ways I am lucky. I then told my colleagues to expect sudden absences. One suggested a blog. The thought had crossed my mind but that decided it. This blog. I am not a complete stranger to writing, having a few pieces on politics published in some online journals. So as I simply could not find any musical notes and textures to fit my mental state, a blog it is.
I am watching the world cup games. Being a valleys boy it is, predictably, rugby which preoccupies me. But it occurs to me that the fact that men are running around a green background is somehow soothing, combined with the sheer pointlessness in what they are doing. Why this is soothing and therapeutic is a bit baffling – another odd thing!!
I talk with Lesley until 1 o’clock about, well, nothing really.
What goes into this blog will be whatever I think is important. So if you are looking for details of procedures or the fact that I have been proscribed 10mg of GetItUpYerozol then you will probably be disappointed. On the other hand that may be just what is important. I just don’t know. If you decide to stay with me I am happy to have you along for the ride. Finally, if you disagree or don’t like any of these idea. Tough. I don’t care and in the case of this blog your opinion is profoundly irrelevant to me.